"You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity." - Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

Jan 22 2018

This one goes out to that certain actor/writer, who may not be a predator, but Jesus, dude - seriously? Is it possible a self-avowed feminist is really so dense that he can't read a whole slew of social cues including the actual words "I don't want to be pressured into something," or are men so indoctrinated with the idea that women exist solely for your sexual pleasure that you honestly think what you were attempting was some form of seduction?

 

Let me be clear: this is not an Actor problem. This is a Dude problem.

 

The reason so many women read the account of a night of sexual coercion and believe it wholeheartedly is the exact reason that so many men don't want to believe it: it sounds so very, very familiar. Are there any sexually active adults over the age of twenty-five that haven't lived through some version of "not tonight" vs. "you can't leave me like this"? A night during which there's no actual physical force, just an insane amount of pressure to submit to someone else's demands, despite repeated - REPEATED - assertions that you're just not into things going any further?

 

When I was younger, I was so afraid of making any dude who behaved this way angry - because things get so much worse when they're angry - that I would rely on lying to get myself out of there without an actual assault. I'd fake food poisoning to make sure the dude wanted me to leave. Now, I'm much more likely to say no politely once and then get right in his face if he tries to make an issue out of it. "Do you need me to drive you to the hospital? Are you sure? Because I've said no very clearly and yet you keep asking, so I'm concerned you might have sustained a head injury."

 

And if that doesn't work, just leave. "I'm gonna go before I turn you begging me for sex into a drinking game and die of alcohol poisoning."

 

Why are so many dudes - not men, btw, just dudes - not given pause by the lack of enthusiasm? Our culture has been having a massive public dialogue for months now about harassment and assault, but why aren't dudes looking for enthusiastic consent? Aren't you more turned on by a frenzy of sexual joy than someone who isn't making eye contact and keeps looking for reasons to move away from you? Have you heard the word no so rarely that you think it's the starting bell for negotiations instead of the closing door that it is?

 

I truly don't get it. If I was going to bed with someone, I wouldn't just want consent. I would want him so overwhelmed with passion that phrases like "hell yes" and "damn that's good" were coming out of his mouth.

 

If "I don't want to be forced into doing something" sounds like foreplay to you, then yes... you are a sad, strange little man. You have my pity, my disgust, and my complete lack of sympathy.

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